With school back in session and family life returning to stricter schedules and required routines, parents can sometimes face unwanted behaviors and opposition from their children.
“While every child is different, most children need to be given consistent, clear rules and expectations about behavior,” said psychologist Richard Selznick, Ph.D., Director of the Cooper Learning Center. He advises parents of children of all ages to keep these principles in mind:
Start letting your child know limits or boundaries as soon as the child is mobile—pulling up and crawling.
- Young infants rely on their parents to provide a safe environment.
- Limit-setting should be age-focused and should teach age-appropriate behaviors.
- Try to recognize and praise your child when he/she is being good.
- Be a good role model for your child.
- After limit-setting occurs, hug your child. Make sure the child knows it is the behavior you are not happy with, not the child.
- Physical punishment is not needed or appropriate.
- Rewards for good behavior should be immediate.
Decrease Unwanted Behavior
It is important to remember not to reward a child or give positive reinforcement for a bad behavior. For example, if a child is having a temper tantrum, giving him/her a cookie to be quiet is rewarding the child for the bad behavior. In order to help decrease the chance of bad behavior, consider the following:
- Do not reinforce the behavior; simply ignore the child. “Treat tantrums like they are momentary events, somewhat like a storm that will pass. This will help you to ignore them and not react. Remember, the more you react, the more the tantrums intensify,” Dr. Selznick said.
- The behavior may have to result in an unpleasant consequence, such as losing a privilege or missing out on something the child was expecting, such as attending a birthday party. “It’s important to tie the consequence to the bad behavior, to keep the consequence as close to the behavior event as possible,” Dr. Selznick said. “For instance, if the child was expecting to go to a birthday party in the afternoon but had acted up in the car or broken other rules during that day, a consequence could be, ‘You can’t go to the party.’ But you mustn’t make idle threats. Say what you mean and follow through.”
- Reinforce that unwanted behavior will result in natural consequences. For example, a child who will not eat may go to bed hungry.
- It is generally accepted that spanking and other forms of physical punishment are not helpful. Physical punishment teaches the child aggressive behaviors and poor conflict management.
Set Appropriate Limits/Boundaries
Setting limits often depends on the age of the child and how much the child understands his/her behavior. The following are some suggestions for each age group:
INFANTS AND TODDLERS
- Safety is the main concern.
- Infants will respond to a loud, firm voice saying “no.”
- Provide a safe environment that decreases the chances of things being broken by the child.
- After saying “no,” direct your child to an acceptable behavior, such as a toy.
- Do not reward bad behavior. Ignore temper tantrums, but confront other problems, such as biting or hitting.
- Praise and reward good behavior.
PRE-SCHOOLERS
- Pre-schoolers need clear and consistent rules.
- This age group needs time to prepare for the next activity. Give your child a warning before it is time to stop playing.
- Preschoolers need lots of explanation as to why things are being done.
- Use time-out for bad behavior.
- Use praise for good behavior.
SCHOOL-AGED CHILDREN
School-aged children need the above rules and guidelines plus the following:
- Give your child chances to explain his/her side and opinion, and opportunities to express his/her feelings and concerns.
- Give your child choices.
- Give your child chances to help solve problems together regarding their behavior.
ADOLESCENTS
- This age group needs patient and understanding parents as they test all limits.
- Adolescents need to be told the long-term outcomes of bad behaviors.
- Adolescents need to be involved with limit-setting, based on their maturity.
“Setting limits and boundaries can be very challenging for parents,” Dr. Selznick said. “Being sensitive to your child’s level of development is important. At all levels, however, be careful of over-talking or ‘lecturing’ to your kids, especially to the adolescents and teens. They already think we talk too much.”